awareness

am falling into an old pattern again, that of blame. i am feeling frustrated that so many of my multiple talents, skills etc. are not getting used and a feeling of defeatism accompanies any new attempt at starting something or getting something accomplished. i cannot understand how my husband is never concerned about any of this. how he can live with someone day in and day out, knowing that so much capability is going waste, and not doing anything about it. at most times pretending that nothing is wrong, occupying the other with trifles and endlessly playing mind games.

MR. i did not "think" that you were happy when i failed my driving test, i knew it. i was aware of it a visceral level like i am aware of your hunger when you do not eat on time (and sometimes get confused and assume that it is i who am hungry). so maybe it is not blame after all. that is just how it is. you need my energy to succeed and you can get it only when i am not engaged in my own ambitions. so you are happy that i do not get a job or am not successful in any external ventures. you are nervous and afraid everytime i go out of the house. you feel relieved when i come back home and are pleased when i spend my time in front of the tv.

you know that i know this and am therefore resentful and bitter and i fantasize about leaving you and breaking free of this stranglehold of a relationship. so you live on edge, dreading this possibility and doing what you can to avoid this situation, everything other than actually allowing me to be free. so you try and pamper me, cook for me, letting me spend money on shopping etc. etc. but not that which is truly essential for me.

is this my blame game or is this my reality? a wave of self-pity there and i breathe with it. i have spent too many hours crying and feeling miserable hoping to get to the bottom of the sadness and being free of it once and for all. and that is the reason i stick on in the realtionship because i know it is a causal connection; one that has the possibility of liberating me from the cause-effect karmic cycle?

or is my current situation a mix of both? it is my reality because that is how i think. how then to change this way of thinking while being surrounded by the evidence of such a 'reality'? i am shivering inside, like in intense cold but it is not the outside temperature that is cold, it is my loneliness, my misery, my inner reality. i breathe with it, long deep conscious breaths. a change is coming, surely a change is coming. it has too, it is high time. if i close my eyes i see hundreds of tv images...will smith re-inventing himself from being an irresponsible teen-ager of "the fresh prince of bel-air" show to being a responsible father of "the pursuit of happyness".
my feet are cold the inner shivers continue. shall i just turn on the heating, better than continuing to feel miserable - needlessly?

my task for today is to feel the sorrow without giving in to blame or self-pity. my task for a longer term is to be the highest self that i am. i do not call it my life task because i don't want to fall into the trap of being a life long seeker. i also intend to attain - within this lifetime, or atleast to keep the possibility open.

i have put on a jacket and socks. let us see what happens with the shivers. it is not just my husband (hubs from now on) who i am aware of at a visceral level. i am also aware of samuel (ex-lover cum teacher, a true love?) - watching me aware of my internal states as i am, and he becomes more present when i become more aware at a deeper level. daniele (samuel's life partner) too now and then and my father and my father-in-law. the latter rather more than i would like.

there is a tussle of sorts between hubs and his father. often what pleases one does not please the other. it pleases his father immensely when i cook and do house-work and eat on time and think about the members of his family with affection and/or concern. it pleases him when i cover my head with a piece of cloth or feel devotional. it also pleases him when i am irritated by hubs and think of his faults accusingly. like when i am grumbling internally or externally about hub's untidiness or uncleanliness. his father seems to feel vindicated in some manner.

hubs feels rather pleased when i grumble about his father internally, about his conventional expectations and traditional ways that are out-moded now. he is also pleased when i go without food for a while or am intensely involved in something that makes me ungrounded. samuel too enjoys my energy when i am non-grounded. i guess there is a sexual-sensual charge. it makes me sad when people in general respond to me like that even when noone does anything inappropriate. and breathing through another wave of sadness, the breath is going deeper now all the way to the soft belly.

so many secrets that the breath can reveal to us. secrets from our past, emotional secrets, little blocks and holds and locks. and the key is to continue breathing through it all, through the inner twirls of the energy wheels -chakras, but then the breath becomes oh so subtle and almost disappears....and a door opens to other levels of awareness, or alternate states of reality, if you will...or just the 'here and now' clearer and more intense than ever.

so it is that the outer reality reflects the inner and vice versa....

catching up

spent the day watching you tube videos of my favourite singer sinead o'connor. i used to call her see-ni-add but apparently she is sheen-aid. so one learns something new everyday. also learnt today that AB has a blog. yes Mr Amitabh Bachchan also blogs, hmm not bad, not bad at all.

so many things have happenned in my life since my last post. i changed apartments - the main reason for not writing for ever so long. i also travelled to san diego by amtrak bus and train. my new place has a fireplace and a high beam ceiling, the two reasons for taking it up. the glenbrook apartment complex to which it belongs has won some well-deserved awards for landscaping etc. so there are seven swimming pools, many many trees currently resplendant in fall colours and a few brooks with ducks, and several squirrels swarming the place. the squirrels here (as in the US) have not been blessed by Sri Rama and hence do not have the three black lines marking them and so do not look quite as pretty, but they are cute nevertheless.

the day has been gray, the rain relentless, ideal time for curling up in a blanket in front of the tv or the internet, or with a book or a man. but the man has to go earn the bucks, so an intricate jigsaw puzzle will do. i love the designs offered by sacred spaces based on native american indian themes.

what else is there to catch up on? tomorrow being thanksgiving and perhaps another day of travel let me say thankyou to all of you for visiting me, now and then, frequently, whenever....

jai arunachalam shivam!

some pics of the mountain from here and there. even in pics arunachalam has the power to make my thoughts stop and allow me to travel into the land of stillness and Being.

"burn after reading"

a delightful caper, a total lark of a film. atta boys cohen bros. quite a departure from 'no country for old men'.

with an impressive star cast - must say the males (george clooney, brad pitt, john malkovich) did a far better job of it than the females (frances mcdormand, tilda swinson). clooney and pitt have engagingly entertained us earlier in the ocean's series with their implicit understanding and tacit communication. here they (plus malkovich at most times though not always) amuse us with their comical almost caricaturish parody of their own characters. mcdormand is a lttle too empathic towards her character and swinson swings.


pitt and clooney play their roles once removed and spoof themselves with such aplomb that they carry you with ease into the spirit of the film. but if you can't get into the burlesque lampoonery (at the risk of over-stating) then you might as well walk out for you will get nothing. but if you manage to slip into the farce then there are laughs galore and the kind that make you fall off your seat while holding your stomach.

as the film's caption states 'intelligence is relative'. sometimes you have to lose it to get it. get it?

frida oh frida

frida is one of the finest transpersonal artists i know. she looks at herself in the most uncompromising way possible and depicts what she sees with her consummate skill and artistic ability. she does not shirk, she does not flinch. does she glorify, does she exaggerate? i do not think so. but she is looking at her self under a magnifying glass of sorts, so the focus is clear and unequivocal.

an attractive woman with her unconventional personality shining through and making her look strikingly handsome. in her paintings she often presents herself in traditional dress and hairdo. her inner states of torment, desire, longing, resolve, determination, stoic suffering, endurance, pain, love, connection, tenderness, conflict, acceptance, rage, violence, passion, pride, hope, nurturance etc. etc. are expressed in the most nuanced and detailed strokes of her brush. her unflinching portrayal of her most intimate subject - herself gives her both the opportunity to distance herself from her expereince and the ability to integrate it in such a way that she emerges larger than the subject-object duality. to see her work is to see a testament to the courage and resilience of her spirit.

at the risk of sounding grandiose i must admit that i was very pleasantly surprised to see several common themes and modes of expression in her work and mine. however i must also acknowledge at the very outset that her skill and her craft, her talent and her concentration, her command on her brush and tools is far superior to mine, my attempts in comparison are raw at best. she is a modern day master, i a novice awaiting recognition...

nevertheless i too love to portray both the sun and the moon in one painting many times, i often show the man in the tree and the tree in the man and am prone to depict physical roots on people. sometimes the colours are similar and often the emotions...
i am concerned about gender roles, i see myself primarily in my intimate relationship with my man, i strive for equality on all levels, i am conflicted about my identity in terms of traditonal values and modern ideas, i recognize i am larger than the sum of my expereinces although my expereinces are what constitute me and i need/attempt to look at them with utmost attention and awareness.

frida reassures me that such attention is indeed possible and inspires me on my journey as an artist and contemporary woman...

i am grateful to sfmoma for this opportunity to see her original works though i do wish she were not being peddled quite as much, her status as an icon of our times notwithstanding.

some links on frida
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Frida_Kahlo
http://www.artchive.com/artchive/K/kahlo.html
http://www.artcyclopedia.com/artists/kahlo_frida.html

link to my art works
http://www.digmeart.com/contemporary%20indian%20art.htm

split level poem

i marry one
and love another;

i live with one
and long for another;

i copulate with one
and commune with another;

i wed one
and bed another;

i cook for one
and eat with another;

i clean for one
and mess with another;

i wash for one
and dress for another;

i knit for one
and am warm with another;

i comfort one
and reassure another;

i keep house for one
and feel at home with another;

i am aware of one
and appreciate another;

i taste one
and savour another;

i survive one
and thrive with another;

i complete one
and fulfill another;

i satiate one
and sublimate another;

i entrust one
and have faith in another;

i make a home for one
and belong with another;

i am in fact with one
and fantasize another.

long time no write

i thought with my h'band away i would write and paint and generally flourish. instead i watched films on dvd and tv serials and read. occassionally i checked emails or played games on the internet - favourites being word games like text-twist, bookworm and puzzles - mahjong is up there on number one then bejeweled, jewel quest, tetrus etc. i used to be a big fan of ceaser-III but have not got around to that in a while.

anyway one of the reasons for not blogging was that i wanted more anonimity. the kind of thoughts and feelings i was going through i did not really want to post them up there. but that is the whole idea of the blog to be honest with what is. yet thoughts and feelings are such ephemeral beings i may not feel the same tomorrow but it will be up there on the blog and if tomorrow's feelings have not been written and put up then people will assume that is the way i still feel. not that that many people read the blog anyways, but even then more anonimity would mean i could be more honest. contradiction in terms? i wonder!

i saw a wonderful film called 'adaptation'. it is about the adaptation of a book into a film. the screenplay writer is a fat balding socially-challenged guy, who is kind of stuck in his life. so he wants the film to reflect that where nothing much ever happens and his twin brother is staying with him and writes a script for the first time packed with hollywood cliches and churns out a successful potboiler and our film too incorporates all of that while spoofing it in such a subtle way. i find the ouroborus comment very fitting. it could have been too self-explanatory but the way it is done, it fits. the film stars meryl streep as a new york journalist and nicolas cage as the script writer. but the exceptional acting comes from chris cooper, the orchid hunter, who got an academy award for his performance.

another film i enjoyed watching was 'jane austen book club'. i guess i enjoy most films where life reflects fiction reflects life. for example 'stranger than fiction' and there was 'eternal sunshine of the spotless mind', though not quite the earlier theme of fiction/life being one, but it sits on the edge of reality and questions it or looks whimsically at it and that is fun. that finds a parallel with my inner reality and both reassures me and challenges me at the same time.

short

my stomach is rumbling and i realize i ought to keep my posts short and simple. so that is it for today. :)

peace - a choice and a responsibility

recently i recieved this email

"
Subject: Taken off most Internet sites because of threats

about muslims -- very scary be sure to watch (in capitals)

This is the film that has the EU and the Muslim world in a tizzy right now. Most web sites have removed it, including You Tube. All bowing to threats. Google still has it posted as of today but, will probably bow to pressure soon. Can be tough to watch in spots. But this is really what we are up against.

http://video.Google.com/videoplay?docid=3369102968312745410 <~~~Click here for the video

Video: Fitna the Movie: Geert Wilders' film about the Quran (English)

Send this to your home computer to watch---it's 16 min...but is very scary about what is going on around the world with Islam & the Muslims. The credits are at the end. We must be aware of what's going on, to protect democracy for our kids, AND ourselves. More people need to see this.................

Have heard about this film & now understand what the uproar is about. Stick with it to hear the imams preaching and the Iranian president.

If you are not aware of it, this is the film by Geert Wilders. He's a Dutch writer who is now under protection from the Islamists in the Netherlands.
"

and this was my response

"
hello XYZ

What can I say? This is a complex problem and the film is just presenting one aspect of it and generating more fear. Some statements in the film are taken out of context and put in another context to sound threatening, example the statements by Iranian president. Most iranians i know are gentle, warm and loving people. The worst part is that Islam is made out to be the enemy.

I think that the Bush regime did a lot of harm to tarnish Islam and generate fear among Americans. It made all followers of Islam into ‘the bad guys’, ‘the hateful other’. America has done unspeakable damage in Afghanistan and Iraq. And it seems Iran is being made the next target of American wrath. Thousands, nay millions, nay many more innocents have suffered because of American bombings and other attacks. And what was the justification in Afghanistan? To weed out one Osama-bin-laden, and a few followers, hundreds of entire villages were wiped out. See the film “earth and ashes” if you ever get the chance. It does not make America into an enemy, but you get some idea of the damage that was done there.

In Iraq mythical weapons of mass destruction were chased only to come up with nothing, but causing widespread havoc and destruction in the process. The Americans who are fighting there and losing their lives are suffering too, aren’t they? and over what? If I believe Michael Moore and in part I do, it is over the oil interests of a few powerfully rich Americans and their millions. I do not deny that there are many Muslims out there, who are reacting in a violent and gruesome manner. In part it is a reaction of indignation, in part it is stubbornness and an unwillingness to change. But where and when does it stop? Where and when does it end? To brand the entire community as terrorists, to look on a part of the picture and consider it the whole is unfair, to say the least.

I have several Muslim friends and many have been victims in the hindu-muslim divide and that too is unfortunate. Anytime we set up someone else as ‘the other’ and become intolerant we are heading for trouble. I am also concerned about what is happening in Netherlands. I recently read Ayaan Hirsi Ali’s book “Infidel” and got some insight into the problem they are facing. It is a very complex problem, if you take in thousands of muslims and do you allow them to practise their faith even when it goes against the cultural values of your own country, in a spirit of tolerance; or do you impose your own cultural values on them and make it a condition of their stay in the country. where does one draw the line? where are the boundaries that are healthy and respectful?

I repeat it is a complex problem, but I believe there is a solution and it can be found, if we all stay calm and focused on finding the solution. If we buy into the fear psychology often the reaction is ‘shoot first and talk later’. So let us refrain from activating one’s fears, look at all the facts out there, not just the fear-generating ones but all our expereinces of these 'other' communities and use our heads and hearts to find a way.

Deeply concerned,

meenal
"

terrorism cannot win if we do not give into terror. a trifle trite no doubt, but i go on. aggression is the mask over fear. do not succumb to terror and fear nor resort to aggresion. think out of the box and find a way that transcends the problem.

easier said than done? sure, but then we have to evolve to a higher consciousness, don't we? or do we want to fight and indulge in war-mongering for the rest of our lives? inner peace leads to outer peace. it is a choice. make it now and know that you are responsible for whatever choice you make. and you can hold on to that choice of inner peace even when you face the so-called "enemy". the next choice then is to take up arms (a la bhagavad gita) or to practise gandhian non-violence. either way if you are unattached within, unafraid, if you are at peace inside yourself, then you are evolving to the newer, higher consciousness.

road trip and camping

http://picasaweb.google.com/meenal18/SequoiaParkTrip

'A' and I went on a road trip last week end. We went to the sequoia national park in CA, which is about 4 hours from where we stay. But we had many adventures and so it took considerably longer. Firstly we had to pick up some friends from Berkeley, so we took a detour and then we landed up in San Francisco because we could not quite follow the GPS. Anyhow we made it to Berkeley and picked up this couple (D, S’s brother and his wife) and their 4 year old daughter. Then we headed towards sequoia park. The original plan had been to go to Yosemite, but because of the fire the air there is rather unclean at the moment, so we switched destination to kings canyon national park and sequoia. Meanwhile our friends from San Diego, (S & C and another friend of theirs), who were to meet us there were having major adventures of their own. Somehow things were not going right and they had to wait 7 hours to get a van. D and co. were going back with them to san diego, hence they needed a large vehicle to accomodate all the people and the camping gear and food they were carrying.

We arrived at lemon grove, which was rather dry and not very attractive, near sequoia and the lemon grove camping ground around five pm. Since most of the camping gear was with S and co. we decided to go into the park and see some giant old sequoias till they arrived. The park is rather large and on mountainous terrain so it took us another couple of hours of driving to reach the sequoias. I was doing all the driving as I was the only licensed driver in that company. Meanwhile we also found out that there was place available at the some camping grounds inside the park and near the forest. So there was some back and forth communicating with S to decide where to stay. To complicate matters we were also meant to catch up with N, S’s cousin, and her hubby and bro, who had arrived there the day before and stayed in a motel. But they were to camp with us and they were waiting for us at some parking lot in the park near one of the ‘sight seeing spots’. They had been told we would be reaching latest around four or so and it was around seven by the time we arrived at this place. We had not managed to communicate with each other, since there are no mobile signals in the higher reaches of the park !

Luckily N and co. were there and we spotted them and they us and all was well on that front. We also met the sequoias there (General Sherman is considred the largest living tree in the world. It is neither the tallest, nor the broadest, and not even the oldest. but it qualifies as the largest since the density of the wood in the tree is the greatest. so folks it is the substance that counts!). The Sequoias are very beautiful although part of the redwood clan they are quite different in terms of texture and even feel. The bark feels rather soft and non-solidish to touch, like soft board. they can be very tall and very broad too.

Now we needed to decide where to put up for the night. So we went up to the camp site, which was another 1 and ½ hours away from where we were then. Boy did I get my fill of driving that day! After some back and forth-ing there in terms of booking a camp site, we found two spots and set up the tents that we had. Most of the serious food was with S and co. so we waited for our dinners too. Anyhow finally around 10.30 pm or so, they made it to the camp sites and we were all reunited and happy and the party started. :)

The next day we got into our respective cars and did some sight seeing (general grant the national christmas tree and moro rock) around the park, had a latish lunch and departed. 'N and co' and 'A and I' left for our respective homes, while S and D and co stayed on for another night of camping. The trip back was yet another adventure, which I will relate in another post or perhaps i had better continue.

We started at 3 pm and reached home at 11 pm, though officially it should have taken us 4 hrs and 15 mins. Even with a few breaks we ought to have made it by 8 to 8.30. But in between we managed to lock ourselves out of the car! Luckily it happened in a town and we were able to ask people for help and make calls to the locksmiths from a store. It being post office hours on a Sunday, we struck it rich on the fourth or fifth call. The guy who came to help us kept shaking his head as though the problem were unsolvable, while he tried this, that and the other way of trying to break in! Finally he did manage though and we shelled out the $75 gratefully and only a trifle reluctantly.

The rest of the drive was a test of patience and will and resolve, since by this time I was dead tired and rather sleepy. A night in a tent is not where I get any reasonably good sleep. i had had a couple of hours of sleep at best. We did consider putting up at a motel and driving the rest of the way in the morning, but having just paid 75 dollars over a mistake we were reluctant to shell out more dough. Anyhow I managed, though by the end of it I was testy and sulky and snappish. Just for a moment towards the end, my eyes closed involuntarily and I woke up with a start. That kept me awake and alert for some time and also roused A out of his mental musings and wanderings to be present with me. However, latent resentment soon seeped in, and I was back to struggling with the situation.

But we did make it back and all in one piece and can live to tell the tale. And some day will be able to laugh over it all!

I was all the more appreciative of how smooth and easy my trip with my cousin Medha had been after this experience. I am amazed by how the energies between people reflect in the experiences they have and in how they percieve these experiences. With A my relationship is rather tense, fraught with conflict, power games and ego battles. He reflects to me my shadow self and all my inner struggles get played out with him. When we pretend to have a good time, they soon make their way out into the wider world and we are confronted by situations that test us and bring us back to our inner stories. It is a causal relationship and learning the lesson that this relationship offers will liberate me through and through. perhaps the lesson is forgiveness.

"What we give to others, we give to ourselves. What we withhold from others, we withhold from ourselves. In any moment when we choose fear instead of love, we deny ourselves the experience of freedom. To the extent that we abandon love, to that extent we will feel it has abandoned us." from http://www.acim.org/

101 road trip 2

http://picasaweb.google.com/meenal18/RoadTripMe

so i exceeded the word limit of the last post and am continuing here. the first couple of days we drove on the CA-1 and the last couple of days on the 101. although the CA-1 is very scenic it has several curving and winding roads and they get to one after a point. if you want to take your own sweet time and make many stops then take the 1 else stay with the 101 or do we like we did - combine the travel on the two :)

the 101 too has given us some extremely beautiful views and vistas. oregon country is gorgeous, the redwoods have been replaced by the cedars but the rock formations in the ocean are spectacular and often to the left are other water bodies like lakes or rivers, also the beaches only get better as one travels up north. we have not yet taken the plunge or even a dip, but that shall be rectified soon enough.

the afternoon was spent in a town called 'coos bay', lunch at a german place called 'the blue heron'. there seems to be some connection between the town and a call to war. the blue heron had several posters of 'uncle sam wanting you' and all the ideals that one can fight for "plenty to eat", "safety and security" combined with framed old covers of 'the post'. a place with character, unlike the other two cafes we ate at rather too touristy and the decor a trifle overdone and kitschy. but what is wrong with kitsch? it can be celebrated too.

four days on the road and my chakras are whirring big time. now and then when i am still i can feel my self returning to my body, or after i eat something substantial, or manage ot take a deep breath unawares. my cuz is moving her legs about, probably in her sleep but i wonder if my activity is keeping her awake. after all we are all connected, and our energies interpaly with each others'. as a kid she used to thrash her legs about in her sleep and i often took her kicks in bed but my fondness for her remained intact. as it does even today, although i am glad i do not have to sleep in the same bed.

it is time now to take a bath. the campground had the facilities of a slot machine shower and i was rather keen to have that expereince too, but not enough to wait in a queue for it. so good night world tomorrow i see you again in the form of a road that i need to traverse to get to my destination.....could i be more profound?? :)

on the road

http://picasaweb.google.com/meenal18/RoadTrip_medha

the journey has begun and has been on for three no four days now and i need to remind myself to cheer it and be excited about it every now and again. why is it that the anticipation of a desired event is more exciting than the actual occurance? and later there will be the memories...but in the moment is just the moment. this moment of sitting at the laptop after a day long's driving; there i am out of the moment already and into the day that came before. but what the hell if i am writing a blog about something surely i need to travel back to the occurance of it. so might as well start at the start (a very good place to start) {ofo ab aage bhi to bolo na!} of the road trip.

but that is not how i want to do it either - a recounting of names of places and date and time logs and some descriptions...so what then? the experiencing of it. the first day was the happiest as well as the most anxiety ridden. right from buying a GPS that included getting a costco membership, to going back home for lunch of mutton rassa and fish curry, returning to base even before starting out...then the jokes just a wee bit self-deprecating but with the good humour intact. second day also good, slightly guilty about spending the night at a cosy inn in a cute lavender room that was almost made to order...the talk or chat between two cousins full of childhood reminiscences, laughter at memories of events that might at one time have even been painful, thinking fondly of other cousins and imagining them getting hiccoughs, also this and that, some spontaneous ramblings, lots of singing of shared favourite songs and the theme song is
"suhana safar aur yeh mausam hansi,
hume dar he hum kho na jaye kahin"
roughly translated - 'this lovely journey and the beautiful weather,
we wonder (apprehensively) if we will not lose our way'

so okay now the names and logs - the place with the lavender room was called 'tomales' and it had a way that led to the beach called 'dillon beach'. the next night we stayed at 'humboldt gables' a cheaper motel though still decent and fine, in a town called 'rio del'. and the third night we finally managed to reach the redwood national forest campgrounds at del norte. setting up the tent was a piece of cake though falling asleep proved to be a much more difficult job. but then i have insomnia of sorts. my insomnia is dependant on several factors - what i have eaten and how much of it, if i have had any physical exercise, if i have had any alcohol, or if hubby dear has had any, if we have fought, if he is mentally active or fast asleep, etc. etc. in short a far too many factors and quite a few that i cannot control.

though i ate well and exercised well too last night the ground was too hard underneath. the exercise had come from the hike on the trail in the redwood forest along the coast. a pity that one could hear the highway for a good part of the way. ut we did not stay on the trail, the beaten track and took an off-shoot which was some abandoned old road and not quite as steep. i could climb fairly effortlessly as long as i maintained the rhythm of my breath but when i lost that the struggle began. and i lost it when i chased after "fun" and played the fool.

and i am on my way and won't be back for many a day. my heart is down my head is turning around .....
so i am planning for the road trip i will be making with a cousin of mine. we go up from san jose all the way to seattle and back. mostly along the coast on the 101. it is a 101 for the both of us neither have made a trip like this ever. we will be driving and don't really know a whole lot about cars. the plan of action is that there is no plan - just play it by the ear, follow the heart etc. there are some wonderful parks, national reserves on the way where we will camp or find motels and just drive through the countryside. that has been my picture of america in any case thanks to tonnes of films "thelma and louise" primarily but also many others prequels with male protagonists.

i would very much like to take along a comp with a wi fi so i can maintain this blog on the road but that may or may not be possible.

the cousin i am going with is just six months younger than me so as kids we were in the same age group. we were best friends and the highlight of my summer vacations was that i would get to meet her. that and the one 'enid blyton' book that my aunt was sure to get for me. the treasures.
i remember going to the beach with her and also having communal baths in the bathroom that had a copper stove (bamba) for hot water with live coals going. we went in with our panties on of course and sometimes even the little white petticoats (slips really) that we wore under the frocks. giggling away to glory the baths were splashing times. i still enjoy the water immensely but don't have such boisterous company with me anymore.

just today i went for a swim. finally after days and days of longing. even then i had to just sit by the pool for quite a while then gingerely step into the spa with warm water. i was planning to leave after but tested the pool water with my toes decided it would not be too cold and jumped. am i glad i did. where and why the hell have i acquired all these needless inhibitions along the way? anyhow point is not to lambast them but to observe them, accept them, and overcome them. cheers to summer days and warm waters :)

a start

and this is my first blog. what shall i say that is suitably profound or spontaneous or deep and meaningful without being too ponderous and serious?

firstly that i am inspired to blog my dear friend manju's blog Baktoo.blogspot.com

and that i have had this idea for some time now to write an open journal a sort of stream of consciousness diary that explores the self and the Self underneath or rather pervading all through, in the surface as well as the depths, in the self as well as the other and the world or rather the universe at large. therefore the title a take on 'i am that that thou art'.

that is the goal and if you can imagine and believe you are there, then that is where you are.

the writing may not always be so deep as i will attempt to put forth all that comes to mind and at times it might be just the tv serial i watched this morning, 'dharma and greg'. i enjoy the play between the contradictions yin and yang 'ultra rich and not so rich', 'conservative and experimental', 'hip and yuppy', 'profit motivated and the nature nurturers' etc. etc.

possibly because my marraige plays between the 'scientific and spiritual' 'rational and mystical'
'intellectual and emotional' axises or is it axii?

and now i am hungry and also ought to have a bath.