Monday, October 7, 2013

that little girl

that little girl
hides in the corner
hoping nobody notices
her plight and her shame

that little girl
turns invisible
to protect herself
and erase her pain

that little girl
cannot say what she feels
or what she thinks
for no one cares to hear her tale

that little girl
cannot complain or confide
for no one believes her
or takes her side

that little girl
has been a stranger to her past
disowning a part of herself
that disgusted her so
though she was not to blame
she was not to know
the fear nay her terror
held her hostage
and made her an accomplice
to the keeping of the sordid secret

exactly what happened and how
is blocked from her mind
though she is certain it was
her dad and his older brother
who subjugated her will to theirs
by the use of force and might
to satiate their salacious lust
they laughed derisively
at her trust and innocence
their perversion had won
trampled over a little bud

that little girl
felt betrayed
on so many levels

that little girl
knows it was wrong
to be victimized for
their inappropriate desire

that little girl
ccould not sing her song
for they threatened her with death
though not her own

that little girl
felt powerless to defend herself

that little girl
felt helpless and hopeless
for her oppressors
were the very ones, who ought to have
been her protectors

that little girl
felt scared
that somehow it was all her fault

that little girl
felt guilty
that if someone found out
she would be blamed

that little girl
felt lost and confused
in that unsafe world
where nothing was at it seemed
or ought to have been

that little girl
was mad
she was fucking raging mad
at her mom and at her dad
at her whole family and clan
for at some level they all knew
yet no one rescued her
no one saved her
no one stood up for her

that little girl
was furious
her fury a rolled up ball
sitting in her belly

that little girl
could explode
any minute now
spill out her guts
and spill out all the dirty little dark secrets
she was made to carry
but wait

that little girl
does not do that
instead she implodes
she swallows it whole
turning it into a black hole
a place of nothing
of no feeling, no sensing, no memory
nothing happened, no one died,
no one had to be buried
no one cried

mom and dad are safe now
uncle and aunt at a distance
everything is as it should be
(on the surface at least)
except she can no longer love them
unconditionally

the implosion
causes a crack in her body
ever so slight and subtle
that sits by the sacral curve
and holds her unconscious distrust of the world

that little girl
has grown up now
and she can write a poem
sing her song
tell her tale

that little girl
has matured enough
to work through her pain
and her myriad feelings
to come to a place of forgiveness

that little girl
is fearless
is free of guilt, shame and/or blame
is a pure, clean, clear, innocent girl

that little girl
opens her heart with love
voices her truth with compassion
and sees others as mirrors of her Self