I hear the tinkling of a bell and see the tent flapping of a large stall that holds a number of antique treasures. I walk into the shop and gaze at a variety of fascinating objects, fingering a few, picking up one here or there, smelling some, touching and handling others. The owner of the shop comes up to me and tells me that he has something for me. He looks like a wise man, has a long flowing beard and long flowing robes and a turban to match. He asks me to close my eyes and hold out my hands, palms up to receive the object. He tells me he is just the carrier and I can do with the gift just as I wish. It is mine to treasure or throw away or whatever. As he hands me the object he whispers “This is your adulthood!”
I look at my gift and smile with pleasure. It is a large multi-colored umbrella. I remember I had always wanted one as a kid, a small multi-colored umbrella, but never got one. So this was my adulthood – the power to fulfill my childhood wishes. But it was more than that. I treasure that umbrella as a symbol of my adulthood, because it means also that my adulthood is filled with the colors of my childhood, with its qualities. The umbrella shields me from the harsh weather reality of adulthood by its protection of innocence, of wonder, of curiosity, of playfulness and a natural connection to spirit. Yes, I definitely treasure this gift of childhood in adulthood.
Childhood in adulthood. Such a title can be interpreted in a number of ways I suppose. To clarify, I am not speaking about the impact of childhood events and trauma on adulthood nor am I alluding to unresolved issues from childhood being dealt with in adulthood. I am referring to the qualities of childhood being carried over into adulthood. By the qualities of childhood I mean the child-like qualities listed above and not the childish qualities of impatience and lack of impulse control. Adulthood also covers a wide span and I refer here primarily to middle adulthood and even late adulthood. Although I guess even youth with its heady rush of energy and excitement could do with some of childhood qualities.
Too often adulthood is viewed as a lack-luster time and space of duty and responsibility. A time to hold a job, practice one’s profession, build a home, attain one’s goals, have and raise children and give back to society and community a little of what one has got. Young adulthood or youth is considered the zenith of one’s lifetime, after which things are just going to do downhill. Of course, views on and attitudes toward adulthood are changing now. There is a lot more focus on the positive aspects of aging with better health and increasing options, yet the resurgence of childlike qualities is unfortunately most often associated with senility and dotty old age is regarded as the second childhood.
Gail Sheehy offers some hope with her new map of adult life. I list her endearing titles of the ages – tryout twenties, turbulent thirties, flourishing forties, flaming fifties, serene sixties, sage seventies, uninhibited eighties, nobility of the nineties, and celebratory centenarians. These are marked by the passage of first adulthood after a prolonged adolescence, passage to the age of mastery after the early middle crisis and the passage to the age of integrity after a meaning crisis and the onset of menopause. Having passed into the age of integrity we can look forward to active risk-taking, mature love, sexual diamond, coalescence, being grandparents and growing the brain.
Cozolino in ‘The healthy aging brain’ offers 52 ways to avoid hardening of the categories, a program of personal experiments. Many of these are related to emulating childlike qualities. To enumerate a few:
1. Play with children whenever possible.
2. Learn something new from someone new as often as you can.
3. Engage in public displays of affection.
4. Take unfamiliar routes to familiar places.
5. Make up some new stories about your past.
6. If something makes you anxious, make sure to do it anyway.
7. Play videogames with your grandchildren. Play to win.
8. Rediscover your curiosity.
9. Go to a hobby store and get something to make.
10. Spend a day hanging out at your local animal shelter.
So that is one reason for inviting childhood into adulthood. Keep your brain from calcifying, sorry, hardening into categories. In Transactional Analysis the healthy individual comprises 25% of the adult structural ego state, 60% of the child ego state and 15% of the parent ego state. That is reason number two. Since we are adults = rational beings, we like to have our reasons clear for doing things. Unlike children we have a hard time doing things just for the fun and sheer joy of it. But let me not belabor my point and move on to quote from ‘That childlike state, and Love’ by Matthew, to register my third and most important reason.
“Children, in their simple wisdom of being who they are, have tremendous amounts to teach and remind us. How easy it is to break down in tears when a child touches your cheek after noticing some held back sadness. Being silly and unrestrainedly playful around a child is the most natural thing in the world. They remind us what is truly important in life. And what they teach us, via the characteristics they model, can be applied to all of life, not just our interaction with them.
It is of course very humorous that millions of people have quoted the Bible on becoming like a little child without making any movement whatsoever towards that effect themselves. Being childlike is in essence the same as being full of Love. It is a state of playful unity and harmony to the surroundings, appreciating and welcoming the uniqueness of everyone in the world. It is a state of continual transformation with no end in sight. It is a state both of incredible fragility that comes from vulnerability… Know that their vulnerability is at the same time incredibly fragile and immensely powerful, and that this dichotomy also resides within you.”
To put it simply, the child is you. Being childlike is closer to being truly yourself. To understand this better I have listed the qualities of young children that we could all learn from. These characteristics epitomize essence:
Vulnerability: The degree of openness and surrender to whatever is can be learnt best from children. Particularly babies, they are completely helpless and fully open to whatever life may bring, yet at the same time they trust that this process will result in continued life, growth, and for all intents and purposes, Love. True vulnerability often evokes more openness, more allowing, and therefore, more Love. We feel this around children, and it is this sense that we respond to in children.
A sense of perpetual wonder: Just connecting with the phrase evokes a childlike feeling in me. The ability to look at the world with fresh eyes, listen with attention, etc. and experience each day as a gift, a present of the present moment. Closely linked are the qualities of awe and being present. I remember my response to seeing the ocean for the first time at age two, when I was taken to a Bombay beach by my parents. I looked at the sea with awe and wonder in my eyes and said “What a huge water!” To look at the ocean and see and be impressed by the sheer quantity of water still brings a smile to my lips. And what are we doing as adults? We end up polluting the Bay of Mexico with our oil drilling and killing all the dolphins and whales and all other sea-life.
Self-expression: Children laugh with delight, cry in agony and pain, scream with fear or terror, squeal with joy and excitement, throw tantrums when angry and generally have little or no inhibitions around expressing themselves and their feelings. Their feelings change too from one moment to the next and they can move on without getting stuck in any one state. Along with learning some emotional intelligence, we can also allow ourselves a bit of unrestrained expression in safe settings. Emotional lability is a highly under-valued quality in adults.
Creativity, imagination and fantasy: Children give their imagination free reign. Their art for example is spontaneous, vibrant and highly expressive. Creativity flows freely in kids and we can learn to flower by using our imagination in similar heart felt ways. Guided fantasies for relaxation are just the tip of the iceberg. Stream of consciousness writing can get one going or painting and playing with colors will do the trick. There is nothing like having a creative outlet to letting in the fun and engaging in an activity for the fun of it. Another thing we can let go of is our functional fixedness. A little bit of imagination and the use of creativity and our everyday objects and our day to day things can take on a whole new meaning and become a source of play, fun and joy.
Playful, joyful: Fun brings us to being playful and joyful. Children learn through having fun. Exploring the world around them is play. Since they have no agendas almost every activity undertaken by them is play. Why do we have to see learning as a drag? Is not writing this paper also fun and play? It sure is.
Curiosity: Closely tied in with exploration is the natural curiosity that children have to learn about the world around them. And we dull our minds by cooking up adages like ‘Curiosity killed the cat!’ but the cat has nine lives so curiose on! Let life get “curioser and curioser”, let yourself be swamped in the mystery of it all. Let the conditioning fall away and pure perception take you to the place of wonder and light.
Connection with spirit: Children often do not have the words for all that they see and hear. Their innocence and openness reveals many mysteries of the spirit world to them that we unfortunately lose out on.
Forgotten Language
Once I spoke the language of the flowers,
Once I understood each word the caterpillar said,
Once I smiled in secret at the gossip of the starlings,
And shared a conversation with the housefly in my bed
Once I heard and answered all the questions of the crickets,
And heard the crying of each falling, dying flake of snow
Once I spoke of the language of the flowers …..
How did it go?
How did it go?
Malidoma relates how he could naturally see the forest spirits as a child. Later he lost the ability and regained it only after working at it through a process of initiation and vision quests. There are many others who have had such experiences. Many children can see the colors of our auras and lose the ability later in life.
Dr. Ian Stevenson’s study on claimed past life incidents showed many children had a spontaneous recall of their past lives at around the ages of two to four and they stopped completely by the ages of seven. The study said the sample was not statistically significant, but I think even if one person can recall his/her past lives it is clear that reincarnation is a fact. For then it is true for the race, for all not just this one person. However I am not arguing reincarnation here. But I would like to relate this real-life story that I had learned about through the newspaper.
In a village (Allahabad) in northern India there lived a little boy with his family. When he was four he started crying and saying that he wanted to go home, because his folks were waiting for him. Even after trying to reason with him and placate him through other means, the boy would not stop. Finally they asked him where he wanted to go. He described in great detail what sounded like a neighboring village some miles away that he had not even visited yet. Anyhow, they took him there and much to everyone’s astonishment the boy ran up to a house, where he recognized his father, mother, uncle, grandparents etc. etc. It turned out that that family had lost a son in an accident some years ago and this boy had remembered that life. In resolution, the two families decided to live together and share custody and care of the little boy.
Honesty: Children are known for their candid outspokenness. More than once they have let the cat out of the bag. They are so without guile and deception that they seem to be unable to grasp the social intricacies of the situation. Not that they never tell lies. But even their lies are white lies, as transparent and lucid as their souls. As adults we might practice speaking from the heart our truth and being fully conscious when we do fib.
Physicality: Children are so physical and embodied in their experience that we often wonder at their high level of energy. But it is this embodied-ness that gives them much of their energy. Their bodies participate completely in all that they experience and so there is a high charge to whatever they do. Adults can try to become more aware and conscious of their bodies and listen to what the body tells them. They can also create and go through meaningful rituals to mark and embody major life transitions, so that their experiences become more conscious at the physical level too.
The list of childlike qualities could go on but if I had to choose only one quality that typifies childhood it would be innocence. Innocence includes an open, trusting, fresh, clear, pure and non-judgmental approach to the world. We can all do with casting off some of our jadedness and cynicism, can’t we?
“Having grown up in an egocentric society, one day we wake up, perhaps in our twenties, thirties or quite a bit later, suddenly and painfully mindful that our innocence disappeared many years earlier. Is it possible to regain what has been lost? I am certain it is. The peculiar thing is …now later in life we get to invite innocence consciously.”
Plotkin recalls seven practices for doing this. Meditation is time honored and cross-cultural method for re-embracing innocence. Another proven resuscitator of innocence is solitude in nature. A third approach is the creative art process. Innocence can also be revived through the kind of psychotherapies and therapeutic practices that emphasize present-centeredness. A fifth method for restoring innocence is to consciously enter social occasions as openly as you can. Yet another approach is to get in the habit of reviewing your day to find one or two situations where you could have been innocent and present had you been more mindful. These are the moments that did not need the degree of vigilance and protectiveness you adopted. And his final suggestion is to hang out with infants.
I can add several other practices to that list. Savor the senses. Touch the bark of a tree and feel its texture, or the texture of the fabric on your sofa, or the wall. Sift your fingers through the soil in your garden, or the sand or the flour or your beloved’s hair. Smell the flowers, the eucalyptus leaves, the pine tree needles, the scent of dry earth soaking in the water, vanilla essence, aromatic candles. Lick at an ice cream cone and slurp. Do a physical nonsensical activity like skipping rope, jumping up and down, if you go jogging or running, run backwards for a few minutes. When with a group create a collective story: one person starts another takes over where the first one left off and so on, but each one adds their own twists and turns. Make a game of some of the ordinary objects in your home and see how many other uses they could be put to. Comment on or compliment someone in a completely candid way. Reveal your inner state/feeling to someone at least once every day. Remember an activity you did as a child that you thoroughly enjoyed, do it again, revel in it.
These days there seems to be a concern about retaining these childlike qualities even in children, since the process of education and socialization is eroding these qualities from the children themselves. So, yes we do need to protect and safeguard these qualities in children and we also re-instate them in adulthood. The quality of life is so much better when you are open and trusting rather than materialistic and covetous. You may have all the luxuries of the world, but if you are plagued by anxiety, worry, guilt, shame, suspicion and/or ambition you do not have much energy left to enjoy all your gizmos and acquisitions. If you are grateful for what you have and can look up at the sky and gaze into the expanse, can connect with the earth and feel the grass under your feet, you are definitely happier. So why try so hard?
As Robert Fulghum says, all I really need to know I learnt in kindergarten. ‘Most of what I really need to know about how to live and what to do and how to be I learned in kindergarten. Wisdom is not at the top of the graduate school mountain but there in the sand-pile at Sunday school. These are the tings I learned:
Share everything.
Play fair.
Don’t hit people.
Put things back where you found them.
Clean up your own mess.
Don’t take things that are not yours.
Say you’re sorry when you hurt somebody.
Wash your hands before you eat.
Flush.
Warm cookies and cold milk are good for you.
Live a balanced life- learn some and think some and draw and paint and sing and dance and play and work everyday some.
Take a nap every afternoon.
When you go out into the world, watch out for traffic, hold hands and stick together.
Be aware of wonder. Remember the little seed in the Styrofoam cup: the roots go down, the plant goes up and nobody really knows how or why, but we are all like that.
Goldfish and hamsters and white mice and even the little seed in the Styrofoam cup – they all die. So do we.
And then remember the Dick and Jane books and the first word you learned - the biggest word of all – LOOK!’
Would it not be a better world if we could all remember these simple tenets and live by them? I personally am tired of the sensory influx of the consumerist culture. The materialistic outlook of most around me I find rather bemusing. My husband gets regarded almost as a ‘Sadhu’ at his corporate organization, because getting a flat-screen plasma T.V. is not one of our high priority goals! I am rather weighed down by the information available and the means to get it – sheer overload. I find the over-specialization in the academic world something to lament about - for the loss of perspective in the ever-narrowing focus. Most activities that adults consider fun can and sometimes do turn into addictions like drinking, taking drugs, sex, television, internet surfing, adventure sports. Of course it is a question of maintaining balance, but really what is the adult world offering me that I can unconditionally embrace and heart fully celebrate?
I am often asked if I have any children. Being 45 and married I guess that is to be expected and my response to the question is ‘only inner ones’. That leaves a few nonplussed and some smile in response. I do wonder if having children offers one more of an opportunity to be childlike along with them. Or does it weigh one down with many more responsibilities and duties so that one dons the role of parent, of authority-figure and rule-setter almost automatically and lose out on a golden chance? I suppose it is a bit of both and depends on the awareness of the parent and their intent and where they are at.
I believe mystics and masters honor these qualities at all times.
‘Masters are adept at recognizing wild nature in human children, in particular their natural innocence and wonder, essential foundations for all that follows in life. Masters do all they can to defend these qualities… and to directly nurture them ….masters lobby for and model (as needed) the importance of touch, play, nature and stories. They champion their need for free play in nature, the celebration of the imagination and the senses, the thorough exploration and embrace of emotions, and the enjoyment of sacred stories (mythology and cosmology). Earth elder Thomas Berry reminds us that children must understand that their home is not the industrial world, but “the world of woodlands and meadows and flowers and birds and mountains and valleys and streams and stars”. Thomas tells us that children must be enabled to directly experience the universe. In fact he believes the child is our guide to how the universe ought to be experienced by all of us.’
There is a little quiz on the internet that you can take to find out how you score on two childlike qualities and one adult quality. It is fun and takes only ten minutes or less. So try it out just for the heck of it.
http://www.okcupid.com/tests/the-childlike-qualities-test
To end I tell a lame joke. “You’ll never guess who’s just been on the phone,” said Isabel Dalhousie, editor of the Journal ‘Review of Applied Ethics’, “Professor Lettuce. He’s invited me to lunch.” Jamie laughed “Perhaps he has turned over a new leaf.” Isabel smiled. There was something reassuring about weak humor: it took the tension out of a situation, made children of us once more. “He even said he just wanted to eat something light – like a salad.” “Don’t give him a dressing down then” said Jamie.
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