observation of attachment and bonding

This is the first son of my good friends S and C. He is called Al En. He has just completed his first trimester. All through her pregnancy S had shared her feelings of joy, anticipation, and anxiety etc. with me. The baby would make a big change in their lives that was for sure. S and C are very sociable people; S in particular is highly gregarious and connects with people in a warm and genuine way. Al seems to have ‘inherited’ this social ease.

Al is a big baby by Indian standards. He is healthy and likes to be with people. He is comfortable even when there are a number of people around him. He is also at ease when he is by himself and enjoys looking at the trees and the sky. He connects with nature easily and when I held him in my arms I felt connected with his natural essence. Those moments were full of stillness and a quiet joy that is hard to put in to words. The wonder in his eyes made me connect with what pure perception is like. His energy was pure being, nothing to do, nothing to prove, just be in the moment and enjoy.

His mother S has a special smile that is reserved for Al. There was a point of time when he was brought into the room by someone else and her face just lit up and I could feel her energy drop into her heart and the love was palpable too. When Al was transferred to her lap his face lit up in response, almost like a mirror. Their special connection and bond was observable to anyone witnessing that moment.

Al has a habit of kicking his right leg in response to music or any energetic activity on the part of the people around him. One of the things that mother and son do almost like a ritual is put on some favorite music of Al’s and dance to it. Al’s taste in music ranges from Bollywood numbers with great lyrics and Sufi lilts to “Bum Bum you gotta party!” The decibels can get pretty high when the mood is right. His mom dances with great gusto and joy all the while keeping eye contact with her son and Al maintains eye contact with her too as he jumps up and down in his ‘bouncer’ and shakes his leg to the rhythm. We can’t help but laugh and get taken in by the mood of celebration and joie-de-vivre. But those are phases of intense activity then he tires out and likes to take power naps for about 20 minutes, after which he is once again available for social interaction.

When any of us (the other loving adults and friends of the parents) try to do the same he does engage in the dance, but is not quite as animated as he is with his mother. Also his gaze shifts more often and now and then he takes a rest. Admittedly none of the others (including myself) is as energetic as his mother is. I was filled with admiration for her enthusiasm, since she had not a good night’s rest given the late night feedings. She does not seem to resent him in the least for keeping her up at odd hours. The only complaint she makes, but more as a joke to us is how she has to clean his poop first thing in the morning. She is often bemused by the quantity of the poop and remarks on that. When I did get an opportunity to observe them at the changing station, there was no sign of aversion or disgust, just a focus on getting the job done.

C the father’s energy is mellower as compared to the mother’s. So there is a nice balance. Al is not jumping up and down when with C, but happy to be lying around looking at the toys dangling on the jungle gym rims. His father likes to read to him and Al listens with interest. Of course he enjoys it more when the story is animated with hand moppets and toys. His father is also more apt to let him be, while his mother seeks to engage his attention more actively and be in a dialogue. His father is the one who bathes him and gives him an oil massage prior to the bath. He has his turn of cleaning and feeding him too.

His mother has a nonsensical or semi-sensical refrain that she says to him with much love and animation and it goes “Baboosh, hurry down the chimney for me!” and his expressions change and mirror his mothers most times when she says this. There is other love talk too but this refrain is reassuring as well as energizing for both of them. If the adults are engaged in some conversation and Al is not the centre of attention of his mother, his gaze follows his mother for a while and then falls on the designated caretaker adult who is by his side. If he can hear his mother’s voice in the room, every now and again his gaze seeks her out even when some aunt of his might be by his side and entertaining him and engaging with him. His mother too will come near Al in the flow of her conversation and say a reaffirming “Baboosh, hurry down the chimney for me!” to him take in his response and then continue her social interaction with the others. The safe haven provided by the mother is thus reinforced and Al stays secure and the mother can have some time with her friends without al getting whiny and demanding.

His mother’s responsiveness can also be observed when al is sleeping in his crib in another room, but the slightest whimper from there can send her running to him. This is also because when he wakes up he likes to have either his mom or dad around him. Otherwise he can get a little upset and starts to cry. If another adult picks him up he is okay for a while but needs the reassuring comfort of his parents. This is only when he wakes up or is otherwise not quite himself, as when his tummy was upset.

Al particularly enjoys the combination of sound and movement. His attention is taken in and held by visual movements and when the movements are accompanied by sounds his interest is keener.

There is a ritual game that Al and his father play. C throws a light piece of muslin cloth at him in mock frustration and says something like ‘Abbe chup’ meaning ‘oh shut up’. In response Al shows a slight startle response with enlarged eyes and a tiny gasp of breath and then cackles and giggles, delighting in the play. After a few rounds of this he expects the muslin to land but still widens his eyes with mock surprise and even feigns a gasp though a few seconds later than the original gasp of surprise. He is already play acting and mirroring mock responses to his father’s mock emotions.

I think Al is a very lucky kid, as he has loving and affectionate parents, who care for him, protect him and nurture him. They look after his needs and wants and make him feel welcome in this world, which is already a better place for having him.