awareness

am falling into an old pattern again, that of blame. i am feeling frustrated that so many of my multiple talents, skills etc. are not getting used and a feeling of defeatism accompanies any new attempt at starting something or getting something accomplished. i cannot understand how my husband is never concerned about any of this. how he can live with someone day in and day out, knowing that so much capability is going waste, and not doing anything about it. at most times pretending that nothing is wrong, occupying the other with trifles and endlessly playing mind games.

MR. i did not "think" that you were happy when i failed my driving test, i knew it. i was aware of it a visceral level like i am aware of your hunger when you do not eat on time (and sometimes get confused and assume that it is i who am hungry). so maybe it is not blame after all. that is just how it is. you need my energy to succeed and you can get it only when i am not engaged in my own ambitions. so you are happy that i do not get a job or am not successful in any external ventures. you are nervous and afraid everytime i go out of the house. you feel relieved when i come back home and are pleased when i spend my time in front of the tv.

you know that i know this and am therefore resentful and bitter and i fantasize about leaving you and breaking free of this stranglehold of a relationship. so you live on edge, dreading this possibility and doing what you can to avoid this situation, everything other than actually allowing me to be free. so you try and pamper me, cook for me, letting me spend money on shopping etc. etc. but not that which is truly essential for me.

is this my blame game or is this my reality? a wave of self-pity there and i breathe with it. i have spent too many hours crying and feeling miserable hoping to get to the bottom of the sadness and being free of it once and for all. and that is the reason i stick on in the realtionship because i know it is a causal connection; one that has the possibility of liberating me from the cause-effect karmic cycle?

or is my current situation a mix of both? it is my reality because that is how i think. how then to change this way of thinking while being surrounded by the evidence of such a 'reality'? i am shivering inside, like in intense cold but it is not the outside temperature that is cold, it is my loneliness, my misery, my inner reality. i breathe with it, long deep conscious breaths. a change is coming, surely a change is coming. it has too, it is high time. if i close my eyes i see hundreds of tv images...will smith re-inventing himself from being an irresponsible teen-ager of "the fresh prince of bel-air" show to being a responsible father of "the pursuit of happyness".
my feet are cold the inner shivers continue. shall i just turn on the heating, better than continuing to feel miserable - needlessly?

my task for today is to feel the sorrow without giving in to blame or self-pity. my task for a longer term is to be the highest self that i am. i do not call it my life task because i don't want to fall into the trap of being a life long seeker. i also intend to attain - within this lifetime, or atleast to keep the possibility open.

i have put on a jacket and socks. let us see what happens with the shivers. it is not just my husband (hubs from now on) who i am aware of at a visceral level. i am also aware of samuel (ex-lover cum teacher, a true love?) - watching me aware of my internal states as i am, and he becomes more present when i become more aware at a deeper level. daniele (samuel's life partner) too now and then and my father and my father-in-law. the latter rather more than i would like.

there is a tussle of sorts between hubs and his father. often what pleases one does not please the other. it pleases his father immensely when i cook and do house-work and eat on time and think about the members of his family with affection and/or concern. it pleases him when i cover my head with a piece of cloth or feel devotional. it also pleases him when i am irritated by hubs and think of his faults accusingly. like when i am grumbling internally or externally about hub's untidiness or uncleanliness. his father seems to feel vindicated in some manner.

hubs feels rather pleased when i grumble about his father internally, about his conventional expectations and traditional ways that are out-moded now. he is also pleased when i go without food for a while or am intensely involved in something that makes me ungrounded. samuel too enjoys my energy when i am non-grounded. i guess there is a sexual-sensual charge. it makes me sad when people in general respond to me like that even when noone does anything inappropriate. and breathing through another wave of sadness, the breath is going deeper now all the way to the soft belly.

so many secrets that the breath can reveal to us. secrets from our past, emotional secrets, little blocks and holds and locks. and the key is to continue breathing through it all, through the inner twirls of the energy wheels -chakras, but then the breath becomes oh so subtle and almost disappears....and a door opens to other levels of awareness, or alternate states of reality, if you will...or just the 'here and now' clearer and more intense than ever.

so it is that the outer reality reflects the inner and vice versa....